"Things My Mother Taught Me ..."

Unknowingly, a search about poetry led me to this humorous little piece.  The author was listed as unknown, so credit to whoever wrote this.  Hope it gives you a smile and maybe a chuckle or two.  Let's start the new year with a laugh shall we?

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ...

My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going kill
each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the
carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm
going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."
My Mother taught me LOGIC...#2 - "If you fall out of that swing and break
your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry
about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat
your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you just look at the dirt
on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I
saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you
a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me about THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your
father!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that
spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through
your room."
My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION - "Just wait until we get home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING - "You are going to get it when we get
home!"
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE - "If you don't stop crossing your
eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD - "If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when
you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't
come running to me."
My Mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT - "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX - "How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS - "You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS - "Do you think you were born in a
barn?"
My Mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE - "When you get to be my age,
you will understand."
Among all the things my mother taught me, my all time favorite is JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!"